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Not that you should view this film, but as a courtesy warning, I will ruin this movie in the following paragraphs.

Blair Witch meets Godzilla = Piece of shit.

Before I watched this film I said to a friend "I think it will be a decent movie, that I will think could have been better had they shot it like a studio film and not from an amateur, hand-held camcorder point-of-view." When I left the theater, I told my friend that I was correct in my prediction of how I would feel about the film, but I hate it more.

I'm pretty sure that of all the things the filmmakers were going for when making this movie, boredom was not one of them. So, I'm going to go ahead and put a big FAILURE stamp their little 'project.' For an hour and a half I was bored. Well, actually, there were about four minutes scattered throughout the film which I found interesting. Those four minutes are all the times you get to see the monster destroying the city. That's about all this film has going for it.

The cinematography, though purposeful, was fucking annoying. It never stops being annoying. The filmmakers also take quite a few liberties with camera angles in order to tell their story.

The characters, though attractive humans, are all boring and I never gave a shit about any of them. As they die one by one, I think, "Hmm. Yup. Finally." The 'heroes' of the film are all truly super-human, because they don't die when they should. Isn't it strange how when a helicopter crashes, it results in the deaths of only superfluous characters we aren't attached to? Isn't it great that when our friend is impaled through the chest with a bar of mental, and we can just pick her up and she can run away with us? No death necessary! Pure rescue!

In addition to their impeccable abilities to not die, our 'heroes' are also terrible at making decisions. Sure, I can give them a lot of leeway with the whole, panic, shock, etc. involved in such a scenario, but these people were on death missions. The shinning example of a death mission comes in the form of the acquaintance who chooses death with a few people, over most likely not death with the masses and the military. Come on! As an appropriate consequence for choosing such a stupid route, she gets attacked, bitten, cries blood and explodes. Yippy!

So, let's review: boring, annoying, attractive people making terrible decisions and not dying, boring. Did I mention boring? It was really fucking boring. Don't do it! Save yourself the agony!

Cloverfield

Rating:

Starring:
A bunch of attractive actors you don't know (Lizzy Caplan, Jessica Lucas, T.J. Miller, Michael Stahl-David, Mike Vogel, Odette Yustman)

 



 
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